9804976_origLike the chicken in the electric orange sauce I am sweet and sour, manifested in the less delicious Smart and Stupid.  I can hold down complex and high-pressure jobs, sparkle conversation like a frayed wire, strap on responsibility like a purple Jansport backpack while playing the glockenspiel in a marching band.  And then I can go home to a semi-literate narcissistic sloth who suddenly makes me feel overwhelmed and vulnerable,  a leaky submarine crushed under water pressure.  I would smash a co-worker’s face between the glass plates of a copy machine before a disrespectful word completed it’s slimy journey out of their mouth, but condescending negativity lives under my own roof, camouflaged in pajama pants on my couch.

I eat, breath and bathe in Stupid, it seeps into my skin like IcyHot, cold at first and then stinging and inefficiently abrasive. Swallowed and digested it becomes resin in the veins, sluggish and brown, which is exactly how it feels. It does not look as delectable as the picture on the Chinese food menu no matter how much duck sauce I put on it, and Smart just stands there, opening cookie after cookie ignoring the slips of fortune paper that slide out.
“Life is short, don’t waste it on men who eat at gas stations.”
“The rotund albatross around your heart makes you look fat in those jeans.”
“Run girl, RUN!”

There are reasons for this demonic multi-tasking,  weak links in the emotional chain,  but really it’s the balance that holds it all together, two playing cards resting in a tented position.   Stupid magnetically attracts catastrophe so Smart can embrace the heroics of Saving The Day like a less compelling Nicholas Cage disaster movie.

The Smart side figures it all out, finds all the answers, fixes all the problems.  My precious life energy slides away pretending to evolve, giving the illusion of movement while walking in a circle and indulging the delusion that putting one foot in front of the other is that same as walking forward.  Stupid lays down and naps through the consequences these faulty decisions create, resting up for tomorrow’s chaos.

Smart is too smart to keep something around that serves no purpose, that would be stupid. But Stupid knows there is no bottom, no behavior too deplorable or disappointment too large that ends the game, and that’s pretty smart.

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